On My Mind

It’s Harder than I Thought.

First of all I would like to start by saying that this is just a post to get some things off my chest and is in no way at all aimed at anyone in particular and I haven’t written it to make anyone feel any type of way at all.

Anyone who has read my previous blogs knows that it took me and my husband a few years to get pregnant with Leo. We had “unexplained infertility” although it may have possibly been due to me having a fluid filled swelling (or hydrosalpinx in medical terms) in my left Fallopian tube.

During that time of trying to get pregnant, as I documented in my blogs, I went through a whole sea of emotions. Anger, sadness, jealousy, bitterness… you name it and chances were I felt it. I am not however naive to the fact of how incredibly lucky we are that we actually managed to get pregnant naturally in the end and that it didn’t take near as long as I know some couples have tried for. I am so grateful for that.

I have always wanted two children, until I gave birth to Leo. For a while after Leo was born I went backwards and forwards between never wanting to have another child at all and not wanting to have one for a very long time. This was mainly due to how I felt mentally whilst I was pregnant and in the months after his birth and not wanting to feel like that again. I obviously discussed all of this with my husband and we agreed to just see how we went (although he has always expressed to me how much he would like another baby). I made the decision to go back on to the depo injection when Leo was about six months old as I was that adamant I didn’t want another baby for at least a few years and I was a bit rubbish at remembering to take my pill. Then I remembered how long it took my body to get in sync after the depo the last time so just before Leo turned one I decided to come off it. I had my last injection a week before his first birthday.

I’ve been off the depo for just over a year now (baring in mind my last injection won’t have “run out” until June of last year) and my cycle still hasn’t figured itself out yet. A part of me, like last time, was hoping I’d be one of those people that comes off contraception and gets pregnant by “accident” without even realising but no. We are currently not, not trying to get pregnant and I’ve found myself really having to remind myself not to get obsessive again. Not to go back to that place I was in before we had Leo. We haven’t even properly started trying yet and I’m really trying to be relaxed and blasé about the whole thing. Please believe me when I say that I understand there may be people reading this who think how utterly ridiculous I sound because at least I got one baby, at least I got pregnant naturally etc. I know! Because I would have said the same if I was reading this back then. I tell myself everyday and anyone who asks if we are going to have a baby that we would love another one but if Leo is the only child we have, then we are beyond grateful and lucky to have him.

I have seen SIX pregnancy announcements in the last TWO days and a good few more in the last week or so. Whilst I am over the moon for these expectant mummies, it’s been harder than I thought seeing pregnancy announcements recently and I’m not sure if that’s because it feels like that right now pregnancy for me is possible but not likely… I guess it’s just reminded me that we could be in for a very long ride with trying to get pregnant again. Its made me realise how much I actually would like another baby. I want to be optimistic and excited and I want to be able to not have to TRY this time. It’s made me reflect on the years we tried for Leo and how scared I am that if I ever do get pregnant again, how much I don’t want it overshadowed by how I felt throughout my last pregnancy. I want to be able to really embrace it and enjoy it next time. If we get a next time and if we don’t, I want to be okay with that to.

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